The Adventures of Twilight Sparkle and the Orb of Super Chaos
by Purpose Porpoise
Summary: Pinkie Pie learns of sacred artifact known as the Orb of Super Chaos, and enlists the help of three of her other friends in search of the holy relic. Twilight leads the quartet across the Equestrian landscape in what could be called their finest hour. The adventure of their entire lives, an adventure that could determine the fate of the entire universe. This is their story.


During a hot summer's evening, which might have actually been morning, but it was evening because it was, in the quaint town obviously belonging to a cartoon town of Ponyville, a young unicorn Mare sat in her library to read a captivating book. The book had no title, nor did it have words, for Princess Celestia decreed the exinction of the entire word race. The mare, Twilight Sparkle, loved the book anyway.

There was a sharp knock on the door, like the sound of a pony tapping against a thin piece of wood that was held in a doorway. Twilight huffed, slightly irritated that the book she was so entranced in had to be interrupted by such an arrogant pony. She opened the door and glared and who dared try to socialize with her.

"Howdly Doodly dang doo Dowdy, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie said, making Twilight groan in Twilight like irritation that was not unlike Twilight to act. "How are you doing?"

"Not reading the seditious materiel Celestia allowed to let live in the purges." She replied. "But other then that, I'm fine. I was thinking about doing an experiment with a bird, a fishing pole, and two hits of LSD later." Pinkie Pie smiled.

"Cool story bro!" She said. "I was wondering if you, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack want to go on some sort of adventure later today." She hopped in place, obviously under the influence of some mind blowingly awesome drug or alcohol. Twilight frowned.

"But I wanna do that experiment." She said. She shrugged her shoulders. "Eh, Fuck it. Let's go get an adventure."

Pinkie literally flipped, which wasn't difficult since she was higher then a kite, and smiled the biggest smile this side of Ponyville.

"GRRRREAT!" She said, much like Tony the tiger would say when he would address the children he was seducing with his cereals. "Meet us at AJ's Barn at Three fifty four." Twilight nodded and closed the door quickly. She walked up the stairs, past Spike, who was furiously eating a ruby while snoring softly in his badly governed bed, and packed things she would need for an adventure.

"Alright. Horn?" She looked up and tapped her horn. "Check. Paper in case Celestia decides she wants a report?" She tapped a roll of paper on the bed. "Check. Other shit I'll need?" She tapped the saddlebag she was preparing. "Check."

She then proceeded to go to the kitchen to make such an awesome sandwich, that it would take her three hours just to prepare it.

*3:50, Sweet Apple Acres.*

Being the early bird perfectionist she is, Twilight ended up at the barn 4.56 minutes ahead of schedule, which was still not perfect for the OCD induced mare. Luckily, the others didn't seem to mind, and Pinkie Pie hopped up and down, much like she always does.

"Ready to go?" Rainbow Dash said. Twilight nodded.

"Yep, Did you bring the stuff AJ?" She said. Applejack grinned.

"Hellllllll Yeeeeeaaaahhhh," she drawled. "Got enough crack-Weedcaine to kill a small paramilitary organization." Pinkie Pie jumped for joy like the unrealistic pony she was. Twilight gave everypony a curt nod.

"So Where are we headed? What are we looking for?" she asked. Pinkie Pie stopped bouncing and looked at everypony with a joyous smile.

"We're looking for the super magnificent orb of super chaos." She started. "It supposedly was created by Discord's and Chrysalis' aborted baby who wanted revenge. He, Or she, Tried to usurp their power before Celestia came to rule. Now it's in some deep, dark cave protected by the Diamond Dog legions." She said. Rainbow Dash put on a quizzical face.

"Why are we after it?" She asked. Pinkie Pie merely kept smiling.

"Because It'll be fun, and I saw it when I was hallucidreaming, which is like sleepwalking, only with crazyness." She said. "I heard its somewhere buried beneath the badlands the Diamond dogs live in." Applejack smiled a smile so infectiously stupid, that everyone else smiled as well.

"Let's go get us an orb o'chaos then!" She hollered.

*4:39, A road past the quaint town of Fuckyouall*

Twilight was trying to tune out the incessant babble that Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, and Applejack spewed from their heathen mouths. Most of it was mindless gossip, but there was one thing Twilight liked hearing.

"I'm tellin' you AJ, the stallion's face was practically melting off of his face!" Rainbow said. "That was the weirdest dream I've ever had."

"Rainbow, I've heard better hallucinations from Fluttershy's animals." Applejack replied. "Besides, I had a dream my Granny smith was a hot prostitute who used to serve Blueblood stew while wearing a chicken suit." Pinkie Pie smiled.

"Once, when I was drinking coffee, I thought I saw a bird flying out of my nose and into Rarity's store. Then the store burst into flames while my favorite song was playing." She said. Rainbow Dash scoffed.

"Heh, whatever. So when do we get to find the Chaos orb or whatever. I'm starting to get bored." she said, making Twilight frown.

"I think we're getting close, I can see the badlands from here." she said. "We should be there by dinnertime."

"Good thing I brought food with us, I thought we might get the munchies while we're out." Applejack said. The others nodded to acknowledge their southern friend, except for Pinkie, who was staring down a pothole in the road.

"Try to trip me up will you?" She said in a villainous tone. "I'll have you know I can trip on flat surfaces without your help, Thank you very much! War Elephants, Seize him!"

The others ignored her and continued on their way, as no elephants in any armor showed up from Pinkies command. They began humming a melody both inspiring, encouraging, and faithfully stupid.

*The Diamond Dog badlands, near the town of Imafish, Pinkie's hometown*

"It looks like crap here." Rainbow Dash observed, making Twilight groan.

"This is where Celestia tested her megaspells on the backward's ponies living here." She said. "They mutated into the heathen Diamond Dogs you see today. Luckily most of the residual Radiomagicity has faded away, so we don't have to worry about turning into any ugly creatures from the depths of Tarturus' anal cavity."

Applejack sighed in relief.

"So all we gotta look out for are the Diamond dogs?" Rainbow asked. Twilight nodded. "Seems legit. Let's get to it then."

They walked into a nearby cave, which reeked of blood, fecal matter, and the sweet aroma of potted roses. The cave had no discernible features, other then the weird color, which was pink.

The caravan of adventurous ponies reached a chamber at the end of the cave, and observed the glorious orb of super chaos atop a pedestal. The orb was colored pearl white, with swirls of colors that no mind could ever comprehend. The ponies approached the orb with caution, looking for any signs of booby traps.

"Careful girls, we might run into something completely dangerous and unexpected." Twilight said.

They reached the orb without incident, and Pinkie made an attempt to grab it.

"Vell, Vell, Vell, Vhat do ve have here?" A high pitched Germanic accent said, accompanied by a slow clap. Out of the shadows appeared the ugliest, most revolting Diamond Dog ever. His fur was dirty brown, and his eyes were completely yellow. He approached the quartet of ponies slowly.

"Looks like you girls are a little lost, it would be a shame if you...NEVER WENT HOME!" He said. Twilight glared at him.

"We're taking this orb of super chaos, and you can't stop us." Twilight said. "Besides, there's four of us and one of you, what are you going to do?"

The diamond dog smiled viciously, baring his non-existent teeth.

"Oh booooooyyssss." He sang into the cave. "Ve have visitors!"

Suddenly, the room filled with even more repulsive Diamond Dogs, all of which held some sort of vegetable in their paws as a weapon.

"Give up, you're completely surrounded!" The Diamond Dog leader said. Twilight frowned deeply, before turning to Applejack.

"Alright, AJ, Give them the peace offering." She said in a firm tone. AJ frowned.

"But I was saving this stuff for a Celebration." She said. She grumbled while taking of her saddlebags, before tossing them towards the surrounding Diamond dogs. The leader cocked an eyebrow.

"Vhas ist das?" he said.

"Our peace offering. Let us leave unharmed, and you can keep everything in there." Twilight said. The dog grinned and dove his head into the saddlebag, before taking his head out and howling in joy.

"Boys! We got ourselves a party!" He tore open the bag, and all of Applejack's Crack-weedcaine flew out and into the paws and hooves of everything in the room.

Not even five minutes later, the diamond dogs were dead from overdosing on such divine drugs that Celestia herself must have blessed. Twilight smiled at the gruesome sight and took a huge whiff of air.

"I love it when a plan comes together." She lit a cigar and put it in her mouth effortlessly. Rainbow Pumped a hoof into the air and grabbed the orb of Super chaos.

Suddenly, the ground started to shake, and ominously annoying Pig Latin chanting was heard. The roof of the Chamber lifted off into oblivion. In the sky above, the ponies saw the frighteningly sexy face of Princess Celestia.

"You have succeeded Twilightkiin!" She bellowed. "We will build temples in your honor, We will create sexual moves in your name, We will place you upon the highest pedestal in all of the universe for all to bask in your glory!"

The ponies cheered, and the whole room faded to black...

"...So that's my crazy dream." Pinkie Pie finished to her friends, who all sat in a circle around a table at Sugarcube corner. "It was awesome!" Twilight frowned deeply.

"That was...Interesting." She said. "But I'm concerned on what compelled you to have this dream. This is strange even by your standards." Pinkie only smiled.

"I don't know, It could've been those great brownies that mare in dreadlocks sold me. She said it was made with the finest Cloudsdale reefer." She said. "I might get some more and share them with all of you! We could all have super awesome adventures like that!"

Twilight sighed and buried her head in her hooves.

"Pinkie, sometimes I wonder how you manage to function."


End file.
